5 Most Common Questions Asked to Unschooling Parents (and the best responses)

The following is a list of the five questions I have get asked most frequently by other people when I say that we are planning to unschool our kids:

1. What about socialization?

This is the one that gets asked the most often. It’s always so funny to me to think that school is the only way for kids to be social.  You know, the place where you’re forced to sit and not talk to your peers for hours at a time.  Or how about the indoctrination into the idea that people that are older than you are so much cooler and the younger ones aren’t worth your time.  Whew, now that I’ve got that out of my system, let’s look a little deeper here.

What the questioner is referring to is called secondary socialization, as primary socialization is when a child learns the attitudes, values, and actions appropriate to individuals as members of a particular culture (i.e. what they learn from their parents).  Secondary socialization refers to the process of learning what is the appropriate behavior as a member of a smaller group within the larger society.  It’s so strange to me that people think of schools as being where we learn our social skills.  Don’t speak unless you’ve raised your hand.  Sit and listen and don’t talk to friends or you’ll have privileges removed.  Being segregated based on age, ability, class, and/or status (and in a lot of areas, ethnicity and race as well).  Among many other things that I won’t get too far into here.  So, without further ado, here are a few responses that I have used:

• Let me answer your question with a question: Do you believe that our society does or should function the way the social system of our schools do?
• If what you’re asking is do my kids get to spend time with other kids, the answer is yes, they do.  
• I like to give my children the opportunity to interact with people of all ages, colors, and creeds.  I like for them to explore the world around them and be able to ask questions and learn as much as they can from all they interact with, including people.  I believe that unschooling them gives them the best opportunity to do that.

2. What about Math?

To be perfectly honest, this was my first question to an unschooling parent.  In the years since I asked that question I’ve realized just how ridiculous a question it is.  Unless your child has a strong interest in advanced mathematics and/or physics, they won’t need calculus.  And if you’re doing unschooling right, then you’ll know if your kid has that interest and you’ll explore it with them.  But, basic algebra is everywhere.  There’s not a day that goes by that the average person isn’t using math at some point, so the idea that one would somehow just not learn it is frankly absurd.

My 3 year old has already learned 1+2 = 3 because he counted his fingers.  One of the largest mistakes that most schools do when it comes to math is offering the equation to solve.  If you already have the equation, you’re not learning how to come up with the it.  Kids learn to see 1+1=___ and say 2.  But, why are we adding 1 to another 1?  I realize that they do offer word problems in math, but I don’t believe it should be anything but word problems (at least until we get to advanced mathematics).  That’s how math is truly applied in our daily lives.  

Going back to my first sentence, I’m going to provide the anecdote that was provided to me as one of the best responses, as well as one of my own:

• One of my friend’s sons really got into baseball.  So she went down that path with him, even though she hadn’t had any interest in baseball before.  What she was so surprised by was that the statistics in baseball lead her son into an interest in math.  He wanted to figure out what batting average was and slugging percentage.  Now he does analytics.
• Is there any subject that you can learn about that doesn’t lead into another subject?  There’s a reason that they say math is the universal language; you can find it in everything.  So wherever my children’s interests take them, math will surely be there waiting.

3. What is Unschooling?

I put this number 3, but it could just as easily be number 1.  This is equal parts the hardest question to answer, and the most fun.  It’s fun because you get to talk about the things that you love doing with your kids and discuss their interests.  It’s hard because defining unschooling can sometimes seem antithetical to what unschooling is.  

I love when this is the first question that’s asked.  If you don’t get this question first, then you probably won’t get this question at all, but if you do get this question first then the questions that follow are usually shaped by your enthusiasm when you answer this one.  This question gives you a real opportunity to talk about something you love.  When a salesperson is pitching you a product that they don’t care about, it’s fairly obvious (unless they’re way too natural at lying) and doesn’t lead to great sales.  However, when a salesperson is trying to sell you on something that they really believe in, it’s usually a harder pitch to say no to.  This question is where we get to sell our choice.

Below is the answer that I like to give to this question.  Any variation of this works, and make it your own, but make sure that you’re saying what you believe.  This is the question that deserves conviction in its answer.

• Unschooling is the choice that a parent makes to follow their children’s curiosity.  It’s where we as parents get to truly invest in our kids’ interests and show them that the journey of learning is the joy and not the job.  Unschooling is allowing yourself to be led by your kids and not teaching them, but learning with them.

4. What is a typical day like?

This question can fall under two categories, just curious or snarky and rude.  Let’s hope that it’s the former and not the latter.  The answer to this question so highly depends upon what your child/children’s interests are.  That being said, a “typical” day can probably be coalesced into an average despite the vast range of interests.  I think any answer given to this question should always come with the caveat, well, this is what my typical day is like, but this may not be another’s unschooling experience.

This question is inherently fed by the norms we’ve created for ourselves through the education system.  Imagine your workplace being so similar to another workplace that you could transfer from one to the other without any training or preparation.  This is due to the predictability and veritable uniformity of our public education system.  Yes, I’ll admit there are slight differences in curriculum, time, or amenities/extracurriculars in different school districts, but all-in-all the only real difficulty one would have in assimilating is social.

I always find it so interesting that we can all acknowledge that our public education is falling behind other nations, but our secondary education leads the world.  The amount of choice we are provided to discover our interests in college is a severe dichotomy to that which we are indoctrinated in the 13 years of schooling we get previous to it.  It’s no wonder we still have such a low percentage of the population that goes to college and an even lower percentage that completes it.  The natural human curiosity to learn is sapped by the time we have the opportunity to choose in college.  

To get back to answering the question at hand.  I will give two responses, one for me personally and one as an in general answer:

• [Establish caveat discussed previously] We listen closely to our kids and try to make sure we hear when they’ve expressed an interest in something.  For example, we took my son to a Halloween style event in town and they had horses to ride.  At three years old he was so excited about it that he waited patiently in line for over 30 minutes to ride that horse slowly in a circle.  His excitement was unabated afterward and we ended up signing him up for lessons.  Sometimes a whole day can consist of watching YouTube.  Sometimes an entire day is spent outside running around.  I view my job as listening intently for any signs of things that my kids may want to dive a little deeper into and join them on that exploration.
• In general a typical day is spent letting children explore and learn through their own curiosity.  Sometimes it can feel maddening that they want to sit around and play video games or watch videos on YouTube and people will schedule excursions to break that up, but, in the end, it’s the exploration that’s important.  We’re all always learning, but as adults we think we know it all because we’ve experienced more and received our education.  Our kids will continue to ask questions and wonder, but with the critical thinking and tools to find the answers collaboratively with their parents, siblings or through community.

5. Can unschoolers go to college?

I’ll be honest when I say that I feel a personal affront by this question.  I didn’t take a “normal” route to college.  I was a high school dropout, eventually got my diploma, then eventually received my Bachelor’s degree.  So, the idea that because somebody didn’t conform to the questioner’s idea of what the correct path should be is somehow disqualifying is borderline offensive.  However, leaving my own personal bias behind, I understand that someone genuinely thinking about unschooling without having de-schooled their brain would be reticent to take their kids out of the “normal” conveyer belt to college.

The way we think of what we need for college is a high school transcript and diploma.  We probably should have an ACT or SAT score and great extracurriculars that can be vouched for by a school.  Additionally letters of recommendation.  The thing to remember is that all of these things are still an option if you unschool.  Many school districts will provide a diploma for homeschoolers and for the ones that don’t, the GED is not a death-knell for college acceptance.  The other thing to keep in mind is that community colleges generally accept all that apply and it is much easier to transfer into a 4 year school than it is to be accepted as a freshman.

I’m going to do more in-depth discussions about this topic, but suffice it to say, the facts and figures practically point to this question being turned around.  How many of you who have a college education have thought to yourselves, I wish I had gone to community college first?  How many wished they hadn’t let their peers influence their feelings on community college or vocational schools?  Well, unschoolers don’t have those influences, they don’t tend to sense those stigmas.  In addition, they tend to trust their parents are looking out for their welfare, instead of constantly questioning it.  Without further ado:

• Yes… Duh
• Yes.  Actually statistically they’re more likely to go to college than someone that finished at a public school (83% end up doing some college).  Because they’ve never been forced to learn certain things or prescribed homework they tend to have more excitement surrounding learning, which makes them successful academic learners.  They’ll still have the opportunity to take an ACT or SAT and get their high school diploma, whether through the school district or via GED.

What do you all think of these answers?  I’d love to see what some of your responses were to these questions.  I’d also love to answer questions that you all have as well.